Arrived at your blog due to geographical proximity (I live down the street from the Ormewood School) and fact that we’re both writers with young children south of 20… Diminishment, loss of self, tranformation… all things that somehow have found their way into my writing since motherhood (a state I too understood nothing of while younger). What an interesting and thoughtful post.

Dava, I want to say that I was, when we knew each other, unable to comprehend your life. For this very reason. My world was pretty two dimensional and selfish back then. I’m so glad you wrote in, and I have so much respect/admiration for you (the now you and the then you too).

I do think things are different for young mothers. My own mom didn’t get to *do* enough on her own before having kids, and I think that changed the equation for her. Her identity as a woman is now, in her middle years, changing her identity as a mom, and that’s so awesome to see. As she pursues travel, further education, new friendships, etc.

I don’t mean to say that I KNOW how this worls for everyone. I can only speak for myself. And even then, I can only speak for myself SO FAR.

You know?

Great response. And very compassionate. Thank you.

Yes, yes. It’s a currency I still don’t fully understand, as I spend my days these days covered in puke, my nights slept on or sucked on. But that I keep on with these days, and with relatively good humour, means that I’m getting a sense of that currency. And the sense I get is that the whole thing is overwhelming and impossible to wrangle into articulate thought even in my own head.

And there’s always a bed here (or several) for you.

When you and I met, we were undergrads in Rick Jackson’s poetry workshop. I had a hard time relating to most of the people in that class, probably because of the issues raised here. I already had two kids, a husband, and a shack of my very own. My priorities were different. Since I had a child at 19 then again at 21, I wasn’t grown up enough to consider the sacrifice and surrender parenting would entail. I just did what was necessary without thinking too much.

The thing is, even though I know that having children has changed my perspective on oh so many things, it is almost impossible for me to identify myself as a mother first. This is not to say that for the last 17 years being a mother hasn’t been my first priority–it has been. But it has been the first of many important priorities.

It bothers me that this conversation is necessary. It bothers me to think that fathers and non-fathers don’t need to talk about the difference. It bothers me that I can’t figure out how I feel about it.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, though. It helps to know you’ve had to stop and think hard, too. I feel somehow wrong for not knowing what I think about it.
davalee